Heartbreak

 June 9, 2022

Sunday night, June 5th, I got home a little after 8. One of our neighbors had called to say that the delivery of the hospice equipment had arrived and per our earlier chats, she'd let them into the garage to dump it off. I was slightly irked because no one had contacted me ahead of time to make sure someone could help in my absence. Checked my phone, nada. A text from another neighbor checking in on me and the call from Jamie that I was currently having. I was roughly 19 minutes away from the house at that point.

Phone rang again and it was the hospice nurse asking if they'd delivered the equipment. I told her, yes, but I'd had no phone calls. Wound up that they'd called Brandon's phone, not mine. Chatted with Jamie for a bit after I pulled in after which I tidied up in the living room where Brandon would return after his procedure the next day. 

I got settled down a while after 9 PM with some show on the tube. I'd made some eggs, a couple slices of bacon and grilled polenta and was working on a glass of wine when my phone rang. It was 10:44 PM.

"Hi, Mrs. Milam? this is Katherine from Thomas Hospital, we met earlier this evening..." 

She went on to say that Brandon had called them stating his breathing was getting difficult and if I recall correctly, he'd even called out to the hallway for help. BP had dropped down again and he was having runs of AFib. She went on to say that he'd been moved to the ICU. 

I just sat there for a few minutes trying to absorb what the call had been about. It was a sort of WTF moment. I took a sip of wine and just sat there for a few. I got up a moment later and got the number for the ICU on my laptop and called them. 

They put me through to his nurse, Elaine, who told me some info; he was having difficulty breathing, lot of fluid accumulation in his abdomen, breathing is worse, they'd put him on a BiPap mask. BP was down considerably. She explained a little about what the BiPap mask did, as I'd heard of one, but not known what it did. She went on to say he's on a full code, that they'd asked him if he wanted to be intubated "if" to which she said he'd agreed. I rushed to my bathroom, threw on some clothes, brushed teeth, peed, called his sister, texted my folks, etc.

I made it to the hospital a little after 12 AM Monday morning and rushed upstairs to the MICU, room 5. There, I saw Brandon and the difference from a few hours earlier was shocking to say the least. 

Half of his face was covered in the mask for the BiPap machine. He was laying pretty much flat on his back which he's not done in over a year now due to his pain. One of our pillows from home was under his head under one of the hospitals pillow, another was under his left arm. 

His eyes were open, but I don't think *he* saw me. He as in the outward facing Brandon that I was seeing. I think somewhere deep down Brandon knew I was there, but there was zero physical /visual recognition that I was standing there. 

The BiPap was pushing oxygen in with every breath he did on his own. The sounds were loud, very exaggerated movement of his chest. I asked Elaine if he was in any pain. 

She assured me he was not and explained stuff to me. The BiPap was not "breathing" for him, rather, helping push O2 into him when he inhaled. The fluids they'd started him on were for the edema and basically keeping him there for me and anyone else that was coming to be with him for these last few hours. They were "comfort care" fluids. However, due to the fact that they'd been pushing so many fluids, the expectation naturally was that his body would have more output of fluid via catheter as well and that was simply not the case. Essentially his internal organs and body were shutting down. 

Thud. 

I nodded and part of me wanted to scream and rush out into the night and just run. The other part started really absorbing. She went on.

Once these fluids run out, we can provide some additional meds if you want us to for pain. However, he's not experiencing any pain right now. She said she was going to talk to me as a nurse, then as a woman. 

Nurse: We can do an intubation once the comfort care fluids cease but I want you to know it'll be a violent thing for him to go through and it will not save him. It'll only keep him alive for anyone else to arrive here and once it's in, we can't take it out until "after". We can also do chest compressions, but again, will not save him. Likely, it'll break his ribs due to how advanced his disease is and it being in his skeleton already. 

Me: I shook my head and said no. He'd not want that, I don't want that. 

Nurse: it'd also be very hard for you to see as well.

Nurse as a woman to me as a woman/wife: I lost my husband 10 years ago and it was very much like this. I know it's hard, but I wanted you to know it from both sides.

She was very quiet in her demeanor, moving purposefully. Calm. We had some more conversation while I was trying to call our friends, Kevin and Christina. Somehow though I kept getting the VM of a guy named James. My brain was wondering why Kevin sounded totally different, so I texted the two of them. Please call me. Being as it was now after 1 AM, silence. 

I said out loud, I'm going to call his girlfriend and Elaine turned around and looked at me curiously.

Me: Oh shit! No, not Brandon's girlfriend - wait, I mean, he doesn't have a girlfriend, his girlfriend is me, I mean, I'm his wife! He doesn't have a girlfriend, his best friends girlfriend! Christina. <exploding in hysterical laughter> She waved a hand dismissively and said, nope, all good, I've seen some stuff here in the ICU that would blow your mind...

Meanwhile I reached Christina who sounded wide awake although I'm sure she wasn't. I told her, please guys, can you come over...Brandon's in ICU and it'll be soon. 

Continued...