The Face of Cancer - Part 1

Blog begun many times...just post it already! (notes to self)

The "face" of cancer and caring for someone who has it.

Disclaimer: This is only from my standpoint; wife, lover, best friend, partner, and now caregiver to my husband of 23 years. This is me ""prattling" away with loads of thoughts in my head. There is language maybe not appropriate, but well...this is pretty serious and I'm being honest. 

What is this existence like? Maybe you've asked yourself or another friend or acquaintance. Or, maybe you've wondered, and wanted to ask but didn't know what to say. (Please) Just ask. :)

There is nothing private anymore really and that's okay. I've not thrown it out "there" really in such detail until now on what IT is like. No over-dramatization. Just reality. Brandon mentioned I should write it out. Look back, haul out a calendar and do it. 

So, here we go. Therapy time for Mel or some such. Not a plea FOR anything, just acknowledgement of life as we now know it.

cancer - not giving it a capital letter, it's too shitty of a word/connotation. 

IT is dreadful, for both of us, because we are a team. I can't feel the feelings he has or feel the pain he feels or any of that, but I do witness what he is going through daily. It's affected me a LOT as well. I'm taking meds now to help with my anxiety. I saw a phrase the other day, anticipatory grief. I think that's what some of my feelings are.

Since this all started and reared its ugly head last year, we've had some very frank conversations. Stuff you really would think you'd only see or hear about in a book or on a show or a movie. But no, this is real as real can get. 

My husband in a very short timespan has gone from a robust, very active and healthy man to a man who looks very different than he did a year ago. He's lost 50 something pounds, if not more and NOT from exercise or healthy eating. His hair is very sparse now, where previously that wasn't the case. His shoulders are so thin that he looks "frail"; he said he wants to take photos, not to be morbid but to just display the reality of things. Why? 

Why commemorate something like this? Well, Why not? It's harsh, yes, but it's real. It is daily, now. 

 He is a changed man, externally, the Brandon you and I can see physically and internally, too.

We've had conversations on: What happens when, what happens now, what do I do, how do you feel, what can I do, what do you want to happen, what about the house, what about this, what about that. How will I live without you. I felt absolutely gutted when he said he's resigned to this the other day. I felt gutted a few days back too (April 6) when he said he's trying to help make things easier for "when he's gone". 

That statement is just so final. 

There have been tears, there have been insane laughs because it was just the right damn thing to do right then and there. Mostly it's been a very helpless feeling and lots of dread for both of us. This is happening right before our eyes and there's not a fucking thing either of us can do except keep on trudging along. 

How long can one do that?