Masks - an allegory

Masks, maps, and apologies. Masks, first. 

Do you know what is still so weird? The feeling that I can reach out and tell Brandon a funny or a gripe I have. I miss that. The ease with which I had that availability to talk to someone that had been there for half of my life.

When I have those moments of starting to shoot a message to him, I feel a sudden “thud", like running into a brick wall and being abruptly stopped dead in my tracks. Nope, you cannot do that. There's only a small handful of people I talk about this with. And, I'm even sort of lying to them. 

When I say I'm good, that I am fine, really, I find myself doubting everything I had thought I had known, mastered, gone through, etc. since...Since losing Brandon. Right now, I do not know how to do it. It - life. I feel fake. I have been fake, with everyone. 

As though what people see is what I want them to see and I am enabling that, too. Put on a smile, look presentable, laugh, Are you wearing clean clothes? take goofy pictures, or take serious pictures showing that hey, I am among the living. Please tell me I am doing well. I do not want to fail. Dress up, dress down, hide the truths about yourself with makeup or clothing to disguise yourself. Brag on myself and my little accomplishments, look what I did... Use filters, look your best. Ugh. 

Why do we do that? Why DO we do that? Acceptance? Confidence? Needing to hear kudos? I am definitely guilty. 

Who you see in photos I share is not me…not the real me…It is but is not. I am just not sharing those honest (truthful??) ugly scenarios with anyone, really. Perhaps I should. 

Would it be therapeutic? 

Maybe. 

Does anyone want to see the ugly side of things? Is anyone curious? Or do we all just pretend that part of living does not exist.

I sometimes think that folks really do not want to see real. I for one though, appreciate the honesty when folks share with me, even if it hurts. I need to become better at being THAT person instead of who I have become. Again - trying on different "outfits" as it were to try and find out who I am.

I am going to make a start. Not only mentally, but also physically, take off that mask. Here I am. Lines, scars, nothing to hide the “stuff” one would normally hide when trying to make a good impression.

Like me for me, right? 

Baby steps first, I suppose. 

This is plain old me. No more masks.

Hi...

It's nice to meet you.