Four Months In - Gettin' By

October – four months in

Mornings are becoming slower to start even though the time change has not happened just yet. The last two days have begun with some beautiful pink tinged clouds accompanying the much cooler temperatures that this area has had recently. The cooler weather, a welcome change. Evenings come a little sooner now and are a little longer.

Mornings and evenings are usually “difficult” times for me.

Morning – waking up from under bodily warmed covers in a still dark room and becoming conscious again of what is.

Evening – ending the day with a comfortable sigh but not having your person there to talk about your day.

Morning first.

Morning time is becoming a bit less difficult in that there is routine. Wake, stretch, yawn, pat a couple dogs, wake up a couple more that are still drowsing and help them out of their bed. Take them outside and walk around for a bit. Start food bowls for the parrots, take care of my own needs; Dress, coffee, then begin work. All fairly mindless actions.

That first moment though of opening my eyes after the alarm goes off where stuff rushes back in very quickly and suddenly? that is difficult. That realization of the sheer and utter singularity of the life I am leading right now. I am in charge of me, and I have some decisions to make right now before I swing my legs out of bed.

What is today going to be like? Well, obviously one cannot definitively answer that question, but I can control how I will feel and react. So, how will I handle today? How am I feeling inside right now? Kind of sad? Well, okay, you need to put on something that you think is pretty or powerful.

Feeling strong today? Keep that feeling. Again, dress for it, keep it going. Dress your naked face maybe and own that feeling. Don’t hide your face with your hair. Get up and just keep moving.

Work keeps me busy, but there are times when I lean back and for a millisecond, all confidence is lost and I wonder why?

What is all this for and how did I end up here? How do other people do this – life.

I know I am not the only one to lose someone. There are folks before me who have loved, who STILL love but also lost or are losing someone. Whether it be from death, sickness, age or divorce or another reason altogether. No matter the reasons, their pain is just as valid as is mine. I am just sharing me and how loss has affected my own person.

Right now? I kind of feel “blah” and I’m going to quote Bon Jovi’s song from Cross Road Someday I’ll be Saturday Night here…’my life’s a bargain basement/all the good shit’s gone.’  

But...someday, I WILL be Saturday night ;) 

I am just trying to figure out where I belong right now and doing things a moment at a time…

To be continued…