Step One

  August 18, 2021 - September 19, 2021

It's been awhile since I've written out some thoughts. Lately, thinking is a lot of what I've been doing. I started thinking about writing stuff down on June 21, a Monday, but thinking was as far as I got that day. I thought it might be prudent. Not that I want to look back fondly on this new path we've found ourselves on, but to have it to maybe, I don't know, learn (?) from it? Maybe to be able to figure stuff out, realize what some of my feelings meant in hindsight. I don't know. 

Here goes.  

Monday the 21st of June happened to be the day before Hubby's birthday. The next day was the day we started doing some heavy, stressful stuff. I say "we" as I'm part of a team of two, me and my husband of 22+ years of marriage. This is where the whole "sickness and health" part of the marriage comes into play. I felt compelled to write some thoughts and feelings down after seeing a "heavy" post someone made on FB. I just never did it on that day.

The post I read and saved was that of a meme. It talks about dreaming of never being called resilient again, being exhausted by strength and needing support for ones OWN self. Of wanting to have softness and ease once again and being back amongst others without being congratulated on how hard one can survive a hit. It really struck a chord with me.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of being strong, I want to be curled up in a pile of heavy covers in the dark with a fan on and some ambient noise in the background and sleep for maybe a month. I yearn for the days when stuff was not like it is now...

I cherish everyone who has said positive words and offered help more than I can say or show. Folks have been so kind and caring, bringing or sending food, checking in on us publicly and under the radar so as to not be intrusive (no one has been intrusive at all...please, keep asking - hey, how are you - hey, how are you feeling today, hey, how is hubs doing? What are things like...they mean we've, let me rephrase... they mean HE hasn't been forgotten), the cards people have sent or dropped off, the wildflowers picked and arranged to bring some light into the dark, etc. The list goes on and for that I almost feel unworthy. 

However, being as how all of this began after the world was hit with a pandemic, being sociable  and seeing folks face to face has been near to impossible. Good grief. It's been a serious wrench in the works; let's be diagnosed with this awful disease and throw in the fact that there's a virus out there also wanting to and could kill you. How about for a person with a severely compromised immune system to boot? 

We've still not seen our folks/families because of COVID-19. But I digress. 

Backtracking, June is getting a little too far ahead, so, let's start out when stuff  got going in "chapter two".