Be Unafraid - Traversing life and notes to myself

 July 25, 2022

Broken lawn mowers, cars that won't start, figuring out 2-cycle engines and their fuel type, roof stuff, bills from your now deceased husband's hospital stay, etc. Ordinarily, these types of things would be handled by "us". Now it's all Me. 

When moments have you down and you feel broken, cry. Do it. 

Notes and advice to myself - Mel baring it all.

I have had weird "cry moments", weird what in the world am I doing? Weird, what am I going to do? What SHOULD I do moments. Stepping out of the shower while a song is playing that just touches me. Boom, waterworks. Driving down the road and seeing random stuff, crying out of the blue. Eating dinner while watching a silly video, reaching for my phone to share a funny with him and pause. Oh, can't do that, he's not here anymore. Fuck. 

Just, <sigh>. 

Time, don't wipe your memory off my lips...Desmond Child - Obsession. 

I don't want to lose memories or thoughts or feelings from "before". I'm learning it's okay to fall apart, so long as I pick myself back up again and dust off, however cliche' that that may be. I'm learning it's okay to cry, it doesn't mean I'm weak. It means I feel, I'm human, I'm a mess...

This whole thing is a map I've never seen before except from afar. It has switchbacks I've never wanted to try but now am being forced to drive UP and through, pretty much with blinders on. One inch at a time, one curve at a time. Straining to peer around the bend as it were to see what's ahead. Most of the time, I can't see around the curves or the bends or over the hills. I try to look back and remember and yearn for those easier times, those easier roads. 

Sit back, girl. Fasten your seatbelt. Breathe.

Breathe again - in and out. Feel the emotions, see them for what they are. Loosen your grip on that steering wheel. Let that sweat dry. Keep driving, keep walking, it's okay if you fall and have a moment. This whole grief thing is different for everyone. Just.Keep.Doing.It.