Navigating the grief - Redefining Mel

 August 1, 2022

Monday - I actually slept in today. I took today off from work to just "be". Whatever "be" is. 

Reflect, sleep, not talk to people, not be interrupted by daily work stuff, no hustle or bustle, just time to sit. Time to remember, not dwell, but remember. 

Eventually, knowing my own self, I'll get up to go do something to feel like I'm not just wasting the day - Finish mowing the grass, tidy up something, prep meals for the week ahead, wash clothes and bedding, go through more stuff to donate to thrift stores. I will probably dwell, though. Urgh. 

I fell asleep on the couch last night with a couple dogs buried under the same cover I had over myself. Easy sleep, long day, too much wine, too much sun, I'd gotten out all by my lonesome for a day of "junkin'" and checking stuff out at the annual bird fair locally. I'd been watching an enjoyable but predictable series on the tube, having easy banter with close friends on a chat and after a while, I just drifted off and woke up around 12:30 AM.  

Checked through the house, doors all locked, my "fairy lights" turned off for the night, coffee set for the fast coming morning, dogs tucked in. Got my shower, stared at myself in the mirror for a while, being overly critical of my own gaze. 

You, my dear, are a mess. 

It's now been two months solid since your husband died. I selfishly posted a pic on my social media page from a few years back when things were happy and I thought I looked fabulous. Honestly? I did it to boost my own self feelings to try and feel happy (hopeful?), reminiscent of days gone by when there were no worries like I have today. I feel like an absolute troll lately. 

I got in bed after brushing my teeth and smoothing skin cream over my face and the waterworks started up. 

What the absolute hell? 

It was "ugly crying" and I could not stop. Selfish crying, what am I going to do. What about me? I cried for about a half an hour. Had to get out of bed a few times because I felt like I was drowning. 

I think I cried because of the realization of the permanence of this whole new me. Being a new person after having lived for 25 years with someone in my life EveryDamnDay and suddenly they're not there. I'm going to be 50 in a month and a half and for 25 of those years, I had him in my life. Now, as a "single" woman, a widow (conjuring images of lots of black and a veil in my weird mind as I type), things are completely upside down.

I have never been on my own as it were. I'm learning to live, learning to say okay - eff this, or okay - this is cool, or okay - just no, or okay - back up, reassess, etc. 

I have days where I don't know what on earth I'm doing - does anyone really? I have days where I have absolute confidence and that was part of how I felt yesterday. I can do this, until that is, I broke down.

Then set in the uncertainty and I laid awake for a while wondering if I should just get up and try to do something else other than sleep. I believe all of this is normal, but if I may be blunt, it fucking sucks. 

All of this still feels like a nightmare that I'll wake up from eventually. There are days when I wake up from a nap and while still having those awesome fuzzy feelings of drowse, the carpet gets pulled out from under me and I think - oh. Yeah. Your husband died. That wasn't him you heard...it was a memory of the sounds you'd hear of him moving through the house before he was hospitalized. 

This is one of those stages of grief I suppose. I don't know which one. I've felt all the feelings. Anger, denial, bargaining to some extent (that was much earlier on I think when he was still alive after his diagnosis), Depression (presently) and a smidge of acceptance. That one I think is going to take a while to surface and show its face. Although if I'm being really honest with myself? I think some of the stuff I've been doing around the house IS acceptance of him not walking back through the door, nudging his shoes off in the kitchen and going on about his day. 

Acceptance - weighty word of the new me. Depression - the reality of who I am right this moment. 

I am a mess. I am going through grief after the loss of half of my life essentially. Please, give me time, ignore me when I'm being stupid, bolster me when I have "a-hah!" moments, but please my friends, just be there. 

Love to you all...