Continuing on

 August 14, 2022

I had an "angry day" the other day much to my chagrin. I know, yay, so what? What was the anger about? Who cares? Why? 

Culmination of a lot of things. This one in particular was about a bill that had come in (again) through USPS. Well okay, so what was the deal with that? 

It'd also been sent via text and email to Brandon's phone and email address, 8 times prior to that day since June 22. 

I called them and unfortunately, sounded pretty terse. Hi - this is the wife. I get you want this bill paid, I've been paying it, but you guys are starting to harass. The guy also sounded "turdy", so that fussy part of me felt warranted for having a tone in my voice. 

They wanted me to set up a payment plan, to get my checking info over the phone or my credit card info over the phone and wanted to get my cell number or my work number to call me direct. Hah! No. Hard no.

After I hung up, I called a friend whose husband is a lawyer and set up a time to meet with them to get stuff figured out and make sure I'm doing what I need to do in hindsight. 

Then, I kind of lost my shit.

I was so mad. I felt like I'd lost any control I'd been trying so hard to find after losing Brandon. I'd been feeling like I was doing okay; had a routine set up for daily stuffs. When stuff like appointments popped up, it was okay to say 'alright, this part of the routine has to move to later', etc. But this...This realization that I had lost a bit of the control I was seeking, punched me right in the gut.

I'd lost my stride and in that, my breath and my hands were grabbing my belly, my chest, my throat... trying to force it back in. 

When I was finally able to feel the ground under me, the tears (aaaagh - always crying, I feel) and a lot of bitter feelings popped up. 

I looked at my situation of I am "it" as far as taking care of everything including myself and right then and there, it was too much. I didn't see an out or a way to resolve anything. As such, I got angry at Brandon for "leaving me" with all this crap.

I can look at it now and rationally say, You ARE going to be okay, but right then and there, staring at the papers strewn on my table, and the spreadsheet I'd started, and the "homework" my friend had given me in advance of my meeting with them and felt absolutely lost. 

Why me? How me? What now? How will I survive? I felt like I was hemorrhaging  money (I'm not) in looking at my bills vs. income. The meeting with the lawyer will help.

It did. And, I do have options.

I talked to a couple friends and expressed my anger. I talked to my Mum, too. I felt awful at having those horrific feelings, but I'm finding, all of this is normal even if it feels like I'm somehow casting a bad light on him. I'm not and I don't want anyone to ever think that. I'm just trying to figure this new me out.

This, this blog/diary/spewing of my thoughts on virtual paper is a great outlet for me to digest as it were feelings, thoughts, opinions. Why am I sharing? 

It's just my modus operandi. My method for doing life as it were. I think out-loud. I talk about stuff, sometimes to myself, sometimes to my pets, I do it here, too. 

I imagine all the worst situations and put myself into those situations and figure out ahead of time what if. It sounds goofy, but I've always been that way. Then, I act upon the situation in front of me and look back and say well, that was nothing to worry about even though you built it up to be a huge mountain. Instead, it was a mole hill. 

This page though is where I go back in my head and re-assess how maybe things could have been done differently, reassess my feelings at the moment that thing was happening. 

Sometimes I smile, other times, I wince and make a face. Oof, Why the hell did I do THAT? Other times, like recently, I cry and feel bereft. Sometimes I feel angry. Mostly, though? I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Living, breathing, not dwelling (too terribly), learning, growing? maybe...

Like the tides, water (feelings) come in regularly and bring things to the shore or in my case, surface of awareness that one must deal with. Once the waters go back down, what is left on the shore is probably not going to be the same thing that I was looking at yesterday or even earlier in the morning. Slate wiped clean or slate muddied up with things I need to figure out. 

*I* am continuing on. I am learning who *I* am and how *I* want to live. My slate is fairly clean and I'm figuring out what I want to have written on it. 

This is my affirmation of all of those feelings. Notes to my own self, goofy as it may sound that Hey girl, You've got this. You've always had it. Now, you're just doing it a little differently than you'd done a short while ago. Redefining yourself and being okay with it. Being alone, but not lonely.