The In-Between

August 24, 2022

Sitting here just musing on things. My mind tends to wander into a million different directions - always has. Sometimes, I find myself thinking the inanest things. That is where I have been finding myself here lately, in this weird in-between. Lot of inner dialogue. 

What am I going to do? About what? 

Anything, everything....

Well...prioritize. What do you WANT to do?

All sorts of stuff.  

Okay - name one thing.

Be happy.

Okay - what is Happy? 

What IS happy. Period. Not a question. A statement. 

Be free from worry (hah!!), feeling more confident (working on that), Pushing myself (working on that), finding a corner of the house to change or make YOURS (working on that. I started putting down vinyl plank flooring in a room last night), Be yourself (sometimes, I think I'm too much...), Breathing in and out and not hurting with any rise and fall of my chest, Crying and letting myself cry when and/or where ever and being okay doing it (this part is hard as my perception on myself when I do it is of "fuck, get over it already, no one wants to hear this or see it") so, I've been working on it and letting myself bawl and feeling better afterwards when I can. 

There have been some weird moments in this stage of things where I keep thinking, oh, I need to share this or that with Brandon. I have woken up a few times thinking I had heard him; a cough or a muffled sound like a door shutting or something plunking down on the floor. I have mentioned this before, however it is a bit more regular, now. It is still an odd sensation.

Sensation of someone being there and being available but in that in-between of remembrance of what IS real and that millisecond of thinking I can still talk to him in person, is still odd. I do not know how else to phrase it. Other than, it does not feel real?  

 Yet, it all IS very real. I do not know what stage of grief this is. I know I have felt all of them. They come and go in waves. Some days are okay and some days, I would like to not have to get up and be. 

Some days I feel like I can accomplish anything, have little moments of victory, and share them with friends and family - affirmation. This is impressive (to me)....is it impressive to you, too? Then I feel foolish, bragging. I should just look at it as Hey, I am proud. That is it. No comments needed. So, for a little while, I have quit sharing as I felt guilty at feeling happy.  

That is it...guilt. I just put a name to it. 

I have been working on me, too. 

Physical - trying to get more steps in. Some days that is difficult as previously stated, some days I do not want to be awake because it is too much, much less having the desire to be active. That whole part of me went out the window when Brandon's health went further downhill. Eating was just to eat to get some calories in, no care for nutrition or being health conscious - mostly because his tastes had changed with the chemo and radiation and his disease. Some days it was here, have a piece of candy just so you can say you ate. Spoon of applesauce in him and that is it? Great! I will eat the rest. My diet went down the drain. I have been doing better, though I would like to think.

Mental - Mmm...thoughts, doubts, fears, loads of processes going around in my brain. Time to get your head in this new game you are in now, girl. What that entails? I do not know, still working on that game plan. I have just been taking time to see who I am. 

Quirky, chatty, open, resolute at times - other times quite indecisive. Seeks affirmation but at the same time puts up opposition at affirmation. Yes? no...can't be. Difficult, probably? Maybe. Definitely probably. Make up your mind! <screaming to myself> 

This will eventually get better I imagine, after the in-between.