Do we say enough?
Today is the day before the six-month mark since Brandon
died. I’ve been keeping busy, but a song just came on in the background and I
started paying attention to the words and reflecting. Now, that I’m thinking
about the words, let me say the following…
If I’d known what I knew the day before, the day I left the
hospital and went home for the last time as a couple and not a single which I
became in the wee hours of the next morning, would I have done things
differently? I wonder…
Do we say enough to those we love and care for? Do we share enough
with people we care about so that they know unequivocally what an IMPACT they
have on our lives? Do we speak the words clearly, slowly and with certainty so
that people understand how much they mean to us?
We should.
Towards the end of the day, Sunday, June 5th, I
was getting tired, cranky; I still had to get stuff set up when I got home for
the item’s hospice was bringing for Brandon’s discharge and then get some rest
before getting back up early the next day to be there in advance of his surgery.
It was almost 7 PM and I had at least 45 to 50 minutes of drive time. That
meant I’d get home around 8, eat dinner super late. House stuffs were being
neglected, but what do you do?
He'd had an agitated day that day and yeah, I was feeling a
bit frustrated, too. Lots of things had built up to that day. Three weeks of
hospitalization, his health was declining at an alarming rate, I was running
out of steam, he was dying, and I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop any of it.
When I left that night, I’d started getting ready about an
hour before so he would know clearly that I was leaving. I always started
slowly so he had it in his head that I was leaving that last week he was alive.
He’d usually start almost pleadingly asking me to stay longer, but the last two
nights he was alive, he’d fall asleep while I was packing stuff up and tidying
up his room.
I woke him up that Sunday night, the 5th of June
and said softly, ‘hey babe? I’m leaving, I’ll be back first thing in the morning
though before your surgery’ (we didn’t
even have a time for surgery at that point, the whole thing was a “cluster”)
But, I said my piece and was waiting on his response before I left.
He blinked his eyes open, focused on me, smiled dreamily,
and said ‘Okay, love you,’ then
slowly closed his eyes again.
I planted a kiss on his forehead, hugged him gently and told
him I loved him, too and with my stuff, walked out.
That was the last time I saw my husband “alive”. A whole
half a year ago. I cannot believe that it has been that long ago. It feels like
a lifetime has passed, but at the same time? Like it was just yesterday.
Do we say enough? we should. Fool that I was, I thought I
had more time. Now, I know there will never be enough time for things unless we
do them or say the things we feel in our hearts and in our heads.
So, to all my family, to all my friends – new and old, to
all the people IN my life, I do cherish you all. You’ve made a huge impact on
these last six months. The few moments, the brief or long conversations, the
time spent with me in person “after”? They all helped get me through this half
of a year.
Say enough, say it all, say something, just say it.
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