Maps and continuing to move forward...

 

January 22

Just sitting down – got some stuff done this weekend. Nothing major; more or less aesthetics. Worked on the house and worked on me (that’s the aesthetic – hah!).

Seriously though – I did do some painting in one of the bathrooms, tidied up in areas needing tidying, I gathered some more things to donate, did laundry – one my least favorite things to do is putting away laundry, and got groceries. Then, forgot I needed a few things, so I ventured back out and had to get those forgotten things. I also worked out twice this weekend but, I took today “off” to just go have fun and do “nothing” stuff. Didn’t get all my steps in today much to my chagrin, but hey, tomorrow.

What am I trying to do? Honestly? I have no clue. I have absolutely no map to use as my guide right this very second. But do we ever? Do we ever have a laid-out plan in life and say – here’s my coordinates of where I am right now and over there <pointing somewhere on an imaginary map>? There is where I want to end up.

Probably…maybe we just think we do?

At one point, I feel I had that map.

Now though? What about now? My map burned up well over a year ago and I’m just now starting to stop from floundering around taking unmarked exits, from running out of gas and having to get out and find my way, to rediscovering the lines on the road.

I’m seeing that the lines never disappeared, but just faded into the fast ride I’d been on in this game of life. I’m starting to see ways around traffic jams even if means a detour. Detours may be the part of life we didn’t know that would help shape who we will become.

So, my detour while I re-find my map? Learning the way of this new land I am now inhabiting.

I do want to improve myself. Me – physically and Me – Mentally. So…I really should re-create a map for myself. Even if all it is imaginary. Goal setting. That is where my journey is right now.

My new map is looking ahead, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, finding joy in minute things that may have otherwise been overlooked. I’m not moving on, I’m moving forward.

Seven Months in with Further Roads to Travel

01/05/2023 – The Eve of seven months in and I’m still kicking – Amazingly. There are still roads left to travel and my shoes are tied ready to go.

I re-joined a gym and went for the first time tonight. I walked on a treadmill for a bit to get warmed up, then hit the weight machines for some weight training. Still feeling goofy and new being back to a gym for the first time since Covid hit. What do I do first??

I feel I will be a little sore tomorrow morning – the anticipated feeling though? It’ll be AWESOME.

It’ll mean I am alive; I can breathe, I can continue on and live another day. I know Brandon would be proud. I am too even if I moaned and groaned on the way to and while I was at the gym. Good for me, though. He’d kick my ass if I didn’t do this.

This is for me. It’s also for him in a weird way. Don’t know if I can adequately express what I mean by that. I don’t think I want to try right now. Ask me later, maybe.

If I smile and kind of shrug, I’m still not sure I can explain it if anyone ever does ask. That’ll be okay, too. The answer may never make sense even if I was able to articulate it. I just know it does make sense to me in this now.

As I was driving home, I looked up and saw how full the moon was becoming and drove right past the hospital where we spent roughly three weeks of time before his final ride down to Fairhope. Thoughts were that of, I wish, if only, coulda’ woulda’, shoulda’ for a brief moment. Then, I shoved those thoughts deep down where they belong, now.

I’ve been learning to live in my own skin these past seven months, alone. Alone is a heavy word filled with a lot of doom and gloom. Honestly though? Alone is learning who one is; learning it’s okay to laugh at yourself and circumstances. It’s a learning experience. It’s saying okay – if I want to go get back in bed and NOT do anything after work? that it’s okay. It’s deciding to paint your patio and having to pick out the color and watch a video to see what you should do when painting concrete. It’s BEING. It’s moving with the ebb and flow of the thing called life and being okay. It is feeling comfortable in your own skin and rejoicing in that Hey, your past has helped shape who you are, girlfriend. Keep on doing that. Keep breathing in. Keep breathing out. You are alive. It's ( for me ) no longer feel ‘guilty’. (That’s another thing that at some point if anyone asks me what I mean by that, please, let’s sit down I'll pour us a wine and I’ll explain.)

A while back during a rough patch at work, I found a funny that I printed out and stuck on my wall at work. It’s on my fridge now that I work from home.  It says ‘Drink your coffee, Stay focused and positive, Don’t freak out, Remember – Stabbing people is wrong, Are you wearing pants? You are a magnificent sunflower or potato, whatever you like.’ It’s titled “Monday Motivation’. I scribbled through the word “Monday” and above it wrote “Every day” for Everyday Motivation.

These are the motivations I laugh at now, but seriously do say out loud a few of the lines to myself every now and then as I am getting ready for my day. Basically, what it means to me is, keep on even if it is just plodding along. Wherever you go, far from here or near to here, your life is important. Keep on kicking. Keep on screaming, Keep on living.

There’s still a lot of roads to travel and you, my dearest, will find so many wonderful adventures on your travels. Drink your coffee (or wine), keep your pants on, live, laugh, love. Just keep on doing it.