Seven Months in with Further Roads to Travel

01/05/2023 – The Eve of seven months in and I’m still kicking – Amazingly. There are still roads left to travel and my shoes are tied ready to go.

I re-joined a gym and went for the first time tonight. I walked on a treadmill for a bit to get warmed up, then hit the weight machines for some weight training. Still feeling goofy and new being back to a gym for the first time since Covid hit. What do I do first??

I feel I will be a little sore tomorrow morning – the anticipated feeling though? It’ll be AWESOME.

It’ll mean I am alive; I can breathe, I can continue on and live another day. I know Brandon would be proud. I am too even if I moaned and groaned on the way to and while I was at the gym. Good for me, though. He’d kick my ass if I didn’t do this.

This is for me. It’s also for him in a weird way. Don’t know if I can adequately express what I mean by that. I don’t think I want to try right now. Ask me later, maybe.

If I smile and kind of shrug, I’m still not sure I can explain it if anyone ever does ask. That’ll be okay, too. The answer may never make sense even if I was able to articulate it. I just know it does make sense to me in this now.

As I was driving home, I looked up and saw how full the moon was becoming and drove right past the hospital where we spent roughly three weeks of time before his final ride down to Fairhope. Thoughts were that of, I wish, if only, coulda’ woulda’, shoulda’ for a brief moment. Then, I shoved those thoughts deep down where they belong, now.

I’ve been learning to live in my own skin these past seven months, alone. Alone is a heavy word filled with a lot of doom and gloom. Honestly though? Alone is learning who one is; learning it’s okay to laugh at yourself and circumstances. It’s a learning experience. It’s saying okay – if I want to go get back in bed and NOT do anything after work? that it’s okay. It’s deciding to paint your patio and having to pick out the color and watch a video to see what you should do when painting concrete. It’s BEING. It’s moving with the ebb and flow of the thing called life and being okay. It is feeling comfortable in your own skin and rejoicing in that Hey, your past has helped shape who you are, girlfriend. Keep on doing that. Keep breathing in. Keep breathing out. You are alive. It's ( for me ) no longer feel ‘guilty’. (That’s another thing that at some point if anyone asks me what I mean by that, please, let’s sit down I'll pour us a wine and I’ll explain.)

A while back during a rough patch at work, I found a funny that I printed out and stuck on my wall at work. It’s on my fridge now that I work from home.  It says ‘Drink your coffee, Stay focused and positive, Don’t freak out, Remember – Stabbing people is wrong, Are you wearing pants? You are a magnificent sunflower or potato, whatever you like.’ It’s titled “Monday Motivation’. I scribbled through the word “Monday” and above it wrote “Every day” for Everyday Motivation.

These are the motivations I laugh at now, but seriously do say out loud a few of the lines to myself every now and then as I am getting ready for my day. Basically, what it means to me is, keep on even if it is just plodding along. Wherever you go, far from here or near to here, your life is important. Keep on kicking. Keep on screaming, Keep on living.

There’s still a lot of roads to travel and you, my dearest, will find so many wonderful adventures on your travels. Drink your coffee (or wine), keep your pants on, live, laugh, love. Just keep on doing it.