Rainy Evenings and a lament on life.

It is late on a Saturday night and raining outside. There is a chill in the air, and I am sitting here with a nice glass of red wine to drink and a big fluffy robe on to keep me warm. I'm winding down from the day; no I'm winding down from the week. Maybe it is the entire year...I don't know anymore. It's all a big, knotted mess, all intertwined and hard to discern what is what and which end is up. 

Fake fireplace is running to ward off the chill here in my bedroom. Real fireplace out in the living room, although ready to go is a bit much now for me...smoke, ashes afterwards and the smoky smell to contend with. These days, it is a bit much, maybe it’s my age. I threw an extra blanket on the bed "just in case". 

The babies, my pups are all snugged up, two in my big bed and two in their own bed at the end of my bed. They are all covered up and hunkered down for the night. Soon, I will follow their lead.

Earlier in the day, I did some "yard gym". I raked leaves, pulled weeds and ivy that's grown rampant along the edge of the house I live in. I got a dead branch down from a huge oak in front of the house. Trimmed some branches and did some basic yard clean-up. I eventually lit a fire and burned debris I'd raked and gathered; the weeds, some of the leaves, the branches, the sticks, etc., that I'd picked up and enjoyed the warmth and crackle the fire produced. I also took chunks of wood that were rotting that had been previously gathered and stacked and tossed them one by one into the flames. Watching as they faded into ash, I had a few moments to think about things and how fast time goes. 

It is amazing how fast time flies. I look back at events of this past year and am blown away at how much life has changed, at how much I am changed. I feel harder, tougher, but at the same time, so weak, so vulnerable and alone. 

I had dinner this evening with friends who chanced by at the same time I was standing outside with my dogs while my fire was burning, and I was throwing things in it. They invited me and I said yes. 

It was good to get out and away from everything.

While we were sitting together eating, I lamented on how fucked up life is and how fast stuff goes and how weird it was (is?) that nothing is the same. I felt kind of sad but also kind of distant from it all at the same time. 

I feel disassociated with everything but am also very in tune to all that is going on all at the same time. It is all a lot of feelings, thoughts, and memories that blend and meld into this weird lump of sticky goo that you cannot escape from no matter how hard you try. 

I have begun reaching outside of my comfort zone to try and make some sense of me, trying to figure out my future. I have started looking at different locales to maybe rediscover who I am. Will it require that I leave my comfort zone? yes. Will it require that I move? perhaps. 

I have been looking at real estate in other states. I can work anywhere. Can I make a move? Yes. I do think I could...Should I? Perhaps. It could give me the push to become the person I SHOULD be, now that so much has changed in the last year. 

I have a chunk of land to move to if I desire, as well. 

Do I want to move? Not particularly, but I am it, here. Except for a couple friends, I am all alone here. 

I grew up moving, so I am used to it. It is not easy, but it is doable. Would I miss my local friends? More than I could say. But.... This house I am in is built for more than me, for a bigger family than what I have right now. Right now, it is me and my dogs and big blue chickens and my new to me kitteh, Frank and the sometimes cat who frequents my deck and back yard, Stevie. That is not enough to fill this space. 

I am torn, do I? should I? Could I? 

Things to think about and seriously.